Poking Fun
by AnimeDutchess
Summary: Eventual RenoCloud, Oneshot, Mpreg mention. Reno doesn't like Elena's choice in reading material...no, not at all...


_**Poking Fun**_

By AnimeDutchess

A/N: My first Final Fantasy 7 fanfic! Oh wow, I've been wanting to do something for it for so long…oooh…this'll be good!

By the way, I know I've already hit the 40 fanfic mark, but I think this'll be my official No. 40. I've got a feeling that this'll be a good one.

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Disclaimer: Oh, man, I don't own the awesome that is FF7 or its Compilation…don't it just suck like nothin' else? And don'tcha just love shitty grammar?

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To be honest, after the Remnants were defeated, Rude noticed that there wasn't much to do.

Okay, there were some things to do, like the missions Rufus assigned them, but really, when a high-profile Turk mission is to get milk and cookies for the next "How-To-Rebuild-Shinra" Meeting, it pretty much goes without saying that things at the makeshift Shinra HQ in Healin could get pretty boring.

Mostly, everyone would keep to themselves. On rare occasions, the ever-beautiful Tifa Lockhart would invite the group over to her bar for a drinking party with her gang of goody-two-shoes friends, and the night would end with either Reno drunk and with a lampshade on his head, Tseng and Yuffie singing horribly out of tune Wutainian drinking songs, or Cloud actually acting like a normal, not-depressed guy…Rude could specifically remember a night that contained all three. Nevertheless, when they weren't getting sloshed with their former enemies, the Turks and their leader were cooped up in Healin, left to their own devices.

Tseng was usually in his own little corner, scribbling and scratching out madly on various forms and papers. Usually, if one were to pass by him while in this state, mutterings of "We're paying through the nose for this," and "I can't believe he spent something-percent of the budget on that," could be heard.

Elena, to Rude's knowledge, was usually always on her computer reading. Sometimes, she would open up a document and type for about an hour, the clicking and clacking of the keys giving much-needed sound to the silent room.

Reno…oh, dear Lord, Reno. Half the time, he would be hanging out with Rude, of course, talking about whatever seemed to pop into his mind, the topics changing at the blink of an eye. Rude would just listen and nod, throw in a comment when he could, knowing that Reno would eventually tire of thinking of new things to talk about and drag him off to explore the surrounding area, even though by now, the two men both knew it by heart.

Rufus, however, almost always stayed shut up in the other room. None of the other Turks, save for maybe Tseng, knew what he was doing in there, but when he did come out, it was usually to initiate a meeting or send someone out on a "mission".

Oh, how far Shinra has fallen.

One morning, knowing that the cycle was doomed to repeat itself once more (unless Rufus suggested some kind of new snack for the meeting, to spice up the routine), Rude was busying himself with the coffee maker. Reno had been in charge of it last time, and had spiked the coffee with whisky, calling his concoction "Irish Coffee". Rude didn't know who or what the Irish were, only that they were pretty crazy to put something that should only be drunk in the afternoon into something guzzled by millions every morning.

As he poured the black liquid into his mug, he heard a familiar voice shout a familiar name in a way that was not at all similar to how he had last heard it, back at the Northern Cave.

"_**ELENAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**_

Nope, Reno's scream hadn't given two birds outside a heart attack, no sir. Rude paid it no mind, instead wondering how many creamers he should put into his coffee today.

At the sound of her name, Elena came running from the bathroom, where she had been fixing her hair. "What's wrong, Re – _WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING AT MY COMPUTER?!?"_

Indeed, when Elena had left for the john, Reno had, snickering all the way, slipped onto her computer, probably with the intent of finding something to entertain himself with. He slammed the laptop shut quickly and fumed in her direction.

"What am _I_ doing? Oh, nothin', just wanted to check my e-mail until I spotted this crazy thing you had open!" The excited red-head jabbed a finger at the laptop. "Just what the fuck was that…that _thing _you were readin', yo? That shit was fuckin' disgusting!" As Reno said each word, Elena's face turned brighter and redder.

"It's a _fanfic_, okay? A made-up story-"

"About me and fuckin' _Strife_? That shit ain't happenin', yo, that's just fuckin' creepy!" At that point, another voice joined in.

"Would you both kindly keep your mouths shut?" Tseng glared at them from over the top of a pile of papers. "Some of us are working, and I believe the President is still sleeping." His words were calm, but anyone who knew Tseng could catch the subtle sting his words carried. Elena lowered her head sheepishly.

"Yessir," She mumbled, clearly embarrassed. Reno, however, was not done."

"Oh, I ain't keepin' my mouth shut, Tseng! This shit has pissed. Me. Off." He stressed the last three words as best as he could. Tseng let out an exasperated sigh.

"Then, Reno, if you're going to let out some steam, kindly get the fuck out of here."

"You know what, I think I will!" Reno started to storm out of the room, looking at Rude and motioning his head toward the door, as a way of silently telling his partner that they were out of here. Sighing, Rude put down his coffee cup and followed. So much for a peaceful morning.

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"Fuckin' thing…can't believe…crazy shit, yo…"

"Reno, why don't you stop mumbling and explain why this 'fanfic' thing has you so pissed off?"

Reno whirled around on his heel to face Rude; they hadn't gone far from the building, really, and it seemed as if Reno was headed for the motorbikes that Rufus had purchased for the Turks after the situation with the Remnants; alternate transportation, he had called it. Currently, Reno saw it as his only ticket to a drink that he desperately needed.

"Rude…" Reno took a deep breath. "You don't wanna know."

Rude blinked at this. "Okay, now I've gotta know."

"…" Reno sighed. "It was some kinda sex-depraved chick's wet dream, or somethin'. For some reason, me 'n Strife were…well…having sex."

"…You usually say 'fucking'. Why the change?"

"Because what was going on in that little story isn't decent enough to be called 'fucking', yo!" Reno flailed his arms around a bit, as if he were trying to emphasize a point that Rude simply could not see. "And you know what else? I bottomed! This person actually had the fuckin' _nerve_ to make _me_ bottom! And I guess it was one of those rape stories, yo, 'cause the me in there sure wasn't happy to have an ass fulla Strife!"

As disturbing as it all sounded, Rude couldn't help but want to laugh. Reno's crazed interpretation made this story of horrors sound all the funnier. Maybe Reno had noticed the tiny quirk of a smile that Rude was fighting to keep off of his face, for he seemed to get even madder.

"It ain't funny shit, yo! And you know the worst part?" Rude shook his head; of course he didn't know. "This writer chick decided to give her bio lessons the bird, 'cause apparently, I then become pregnant! WHAT THE MOTHER FUCK, YO?!?!?"

Okay, Rude had to admit, that part really grossed him out on several levels, but seeing Reno just totally flip out was more than enough to negate that feeling. As he tried to contain his laughter, Reno kept ranting about how much the story freaked him out.

"I need a fuckin' drink! I want to forget I ever read the damn thing!" A pause. "You know what? I'm gonna go extort booze outta Tifa. That should cheer me up…" Reno then broke out into a grin. "Yeah! I can get good and sloshed and not have to worry about getting' ass-raped!"

Rude had keyed in on the conversation once Tifa's name popped up, his urge to laugh subsiding. "But Strife kinda lives there. Won't you feel weird, seeing him there, after reading that story? What if something happens when you're there, drunk?" Reno waved his hand at this, as if clearing any doubt.

"Don't worry, don't worry! He's probably out on a delivery job or somethin'. Besides, even if he is around, what more am I gonna do drunk other than act a little looser?"

"…Reno, I've seen you flirt with him after three drinks."

"Pssh! You're being silly, Rude. I'd never go for Strife!" Reno just shook his head, a sly grin on his face. "Why don't you come with me? Maybe you can get Tifa to go on a date with you…"

Damn! His weakness. Rude had no choice.

"…I'm not going for Tifa. I'm going so you don't make a complete ass of yourself."

"Sure, sure, whatever you say…"

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Rude never did get that date with Tifa. He got called by Rufus immediately after he stepped into the bar, the leader demanding that, since he was in Edge anyway, he should buy some random peanut-butter candy the President had been dying to have, and bring it back to Healin right away. Rude figured that leaving Reno alone at the bar would be alright, and Tifa assured him that she wouldn't let Reno come home drunk. With that in mind, he drove off, unaware of the insanity that was about to take place at the Seventh Heaven.

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Reno giggled slightly as he finished a drink, feeling much lighter than he did before. What had he been so angry about again? Something about a fan…stick? Huh…what a silly thing to be mad about!

He was tucked away in a corner of the bar, a considerable distance from the usual patrons (of which there were very few; in the back of his muddled mind, Reno figured that it must be a slow night), and drunk enough not to hear the bar's door open, or to notice the blond figure giving him funny looks and conversing with Tifa in hushed tones. He did, however, notice when the figure came right up to the table and sat across from him, looking at him with a blank, yet thoughtful expression.

Reno hiccupped. "Cloud? Oh…hey, buddy!" He waved lazily, grinning like a dope. "How are yah? I'm good, thanks…kinda tipsy…"

"When's that a surprise…" He heard Cloud mutter. Usually, Reno would take offense to that, but right now, he didn't care about much at all. He just laughed slightly.

"You're a funny guy, Cloud…you know that?" He leaned back in his chair a bit, picking up an empty bottle from the table and lazily letting it slightly swing between his fingers. "A funny guy like you…you'd like this. This thing. That I read." Chuckling, Reno leaned forward again, folding his arms and putting them on the table. He placed his head on top of his arms, all the while not breaking his gaze with Cloud. "'Lena was readin'…this thing…an' I came over an' read it…and it was, like…you 'n me…doin' all kindsa sex stuff. An' get this…you topped, yo."

All the while, Cloud's eyebrows rose, his expression staying neutral. He was always an odd one, never reacting in the way you would think him to react. "Really, Reno?"

"Y…Yeah, really!" Reno sat up now, pointing at Cloud. "Youse was a ra…rapist…an' then I got knocked up." The drunken Turk erupted into a fit of laughter. "Ain't that some wild shit, yo?"

Cloud gave Reno a small, amused smile. Crazy Reno may have been annoying, but Drunken Reno, in the blond's opinion, was always fun. "Sounds pretty wild to me."

"Yeah, but…" Reno hiccupped, his body starting to waver. "You wanna know whassa weirdest? I was readin' that thing…and it was like…how'd they know? How'd they know I liked yah?" He grabbed the front of Cloud's shirt and pulled him close. Cloud's eyes became wide with shock; what the hell was Reno doing now? Usually, all he did when he was drunk was some harmless, dopey flirting…he'd only gone along with Reno's little story because he thought he'd made it up under the alcohol's influence!

"Reno, what're you – MPFH!" Cloud's protests were silence by Reno shoving their mouths together, making for a sloppy kiss. After a moment, the red-head yanked Cloud off of him.

"Can we go do it in your room?" Reno asked, eyes half-lidded and voice pleading. Cloud tried to push away.

"No way! You're drunk-"

"But I likes yah, Chocobo-Head…" Cloud was absolutely dumbfounded when Reno winked at him. "And I know yah want me, it's no se-cret…"

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Reno awoke to a splitting headache and a dark room. Groaning, he sat up and rubbed his head.

"Man…what the hell did I do last night, yo?" He muttered, blinking his eyes rapidly. "Did I jump in front of a truck or somethin'?" Tiredly, he flopped back down on the bed…

…Only to spring right back up again. He felt sweaty, hot, sore…he looked down at himself; his chest was bare, and his lower half was covered in a white bed sheet. He lifted that up. After a moment, he let it go again.

"Well, shit. I had sex last night, didn't I?"

"I thought you called it 'fucking'."

Reno froze. That voice…no, it couldn't be! There was no way!

Reno turned and looked; Cloud lay in bed next to him, his lower half also covered by the bed sheet, the little fucker grinning slightly. Reno's face looked like a blanched vegetable.

_"OH SWEET MOTHERFUCKING JESUS, YO!!!!"_ Reno started to shake. "_Shit, fuckin'…the fanfic! I've been CURSED by it!!"_ Cloud raised an eyebrow and gave him a funny look.

"Cursed by the fanfic…what?"

"It happened just like in the fic, didn't it? You took advantage of me while I was drunk, raped me up the ass, and now…" Reno's jaw fell open. "Hell no. HELL NO. I am NOT pregnant. FUCKIN' NO, YO!" Cloud furrowed his brow at Reno's ranting.

"Actually, Reno…you have it wrong."

"…Heh?"

"I didn't want to do anything to you, but you sort of…convinced me, I guess." Cloud shrugged; he really didn't see why this was such a big deal to Reno. "And for the record, my ass hurts." He let the words sink in. As they did, Reno's face brightened considerably.

"Oh, thank GOD! I thought I'd become a freak…" He laughed nervously. "I guess that's what happens when you let a silly think like a fanfic get…to…you…" Reno slowly looked at Cloud, a realization dawning on him.

"Hey…since you're the one who took it…maybe…"

"Don't even say it."

_**Fin**_

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A/N: Funny ending…but then again, something good from me again, and for a fandom I don't usually write for…maybe I just needed a new fandom? Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this! I know I had a lot of fun writing it! Ja Ne! – AnimeDutchess


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